Almost Lisa: Pt 8, “Laughable...Almost”
Almost
Lisa: Pt 8, “Laughable...Almost”
.
You're still thinking about it, aren't you? Why I haven't dated an 18 years. It does sound pretty incredulous, bereft of the story behind it. No, I’m not crazy or have unrealistic expectations. Well, I do NOW. And life is just too damn short for bad company, bad sex, bad coffee, or fake relationships . The funniest ignorant comments men make to me are that they're surprised “nobody scooped (me) up yet”. As if I would relinquish that decision or fall into the arms of any man who wanted me. As if I OWE that to someone because simply having standards isn't enough for me to remain single. I want and deserve to be attracted and inspired, too. And honestly, I seldom meet someone who excites me in the ways I find attractive (intellectually, spiritually, and yes, physically).
Fathers /
Daddies,
Hug your baby girls. As often as you can. If they don't
learn what non-sexual touch is from you, they will have nothing to
compare it by moving forward. Sex will feel like respect and
appreciation when it's not.
Sincerely,
A woman who learned this the hard way.
Once I moved to LA, I apparently developed attractions (and tolerances) to grown-ass man-children. My ex (yes, 18 years ago) had terrible mommy and daddy issues, was a pathological liar, and had at least three personalities (that I counted). He was also a kleptomaniac and stole a substantial amount of money from me (and a couple of his friends), just after cheating on me. Total package, obviously, lol. After that experience- which culminated in about a year of my life spinning out of control, dropping down to 105 lb because I just couldn't believe I didn't see signs of his illnesses- I eventually took a few lovers. But always unfulfilled and with unwarranted drama. One such arrangement lasted nearly seven years, on and very “off”. He was another (older) grown-ass man-child with serious Daddy issues. But wait! There’s more... He was also a narcissist, an over-compensatory control freak, and a very angry human who threatened to commit suicide every few months right about the time he knew I was going to leave him. But dang, if he didn't get the soft part of me that wanted to help him heal from his own trauma. Some people can't. So why did I stay?
Sex. Literally, that's the
reason. I was completely focused on my career and wasn't in a
position to have a more committed or permanent relationship. Plus, he
had an adorable little dog. It was- I thought- a mutually agreeable
arrangement. But once he sexually and psychologically abused me, I
was gone. Permanently. You get to a point in your life where you
realize how valuable time is. When I say I no longer make time for
bullshit, I mean it. That dude- by the way- later acquired (I've
chosen this word on purpose) an industry award. Hollywood is full of
- and too often celebrates- bullshit. And it’s hardly difficult to
find in an industry that attracts hurt and broken people, looking to
find themselves. Sadly, many believe what The Biz tells them is true.
And others support those lies to further their own careers. I’ve
witnessed many a colleague completely lose themselves, desperate to
fill a gap in their lives. Few actually find the “Happily Ever
After” of Hollywood success. And of those who do, there is most
often a price.
There are 2 reasons
people do things:
1) the desire to experience
Pleasure,
2) the need to
avoid Pain
A few years ago, while still living in "The Valley” (CA), I’d frequent cafes (as I am right now- quel suprise) and edit photos for the books I self-published. Joan's on Third was a favorite stomping ground. At the time, one of my neighbors was (is) a famous name actor being dragged by the media (and rightfully so) for a slew of disgusting accusations which surfaced. He would deliberately position himself where I had to glance in his direction, then stare me down until I looked his way. He’d invite himself to join me, looking over my shoulder at what I was working on, lavishing compliments, trying to win my favor. Then- manically- complaining about everything and everyone. He wasn’t nervous, just pissed. As if consequences were so...like...annoying. A few years later, He was back on the film grind with a new show and more in the pipeline. Everyone stopped talking about his indiscretions. This happens A LOT in Entertainment. The next public outrage comes along and the old one is forgotten. When I worked in public relations (damage control and marketing), we'd tell our clients that Time was a friend. For this reason.
Hollywood runs on false power and
real control. Piss off the wrong player and you'll find your climb up
the ladder is greased and missing rungs. To succeed you must - to
some degree- be a “Team Player”. Not only where booking jobs is
concerned, but out in the field. The general public has heard and
become familiarized with some of the behind-the-scenes debauchery
over time, but they really
cannot grasp that its REAL,
and how DEEP
the rabbit hole goes.
In my early days in the Biz, I was invited to countless industry parties and events. Some, I actually went to. It was common (for me) to dance with celebs and share booths at exclusive clubs. There were also copious organized events which were more private, where celebs could “let their hair down”, away from the medias gaze. It was around midnight at one such party in The Hills when a large bouncer approached me and my host and explained that we were welcome to stay, but that the party was “going in a different direction”. I got it, immediately, and got up to leave. JUST as a certain celebrity’s naked ass went running up the stairs, chasing a bevy of young, star-struck, spandex-clad 20-somethings (something they were known to do). Lisa, OUT. I never believed I had to sell myself to achieve success. I had the “it factor” then, was talented, smart, and professional. Surely if I kept studying, auditioning and improving my craft, success would be inevitable.
I was wrong. Truth be told, playing the Game can be...helpful.
Everything I’ve accomplished has been done with my integrity intact. There were many opportunities to advance by other means. I couldn’t. Or wouldn’t. Though through the years, I watched several colleagues chose to go the route of hotel meetings and “favors” to shortcut their careers forward. It often ended in tears, protests, pleas, and even blacklisting. I’ve lost at least a few colleagues to suicide or substance abuse along the way. If you don’t have solid people who care about you and keep you grounded, Hollywood is a dangerous playground.
La La Land gets a rep for being a meat market and playground for soulless opportunists and pedophiles. I wont pretend they aren't in the mix. But there are infinitely more good people than bad. Unfortunately, often the bad ones are gate keepers and decision makers. It’s not as if depravity and abuse run rampant across the industry. It’s there, but you generally find it by looking for it. I learned to recognize trouble and mastered getting out of uncomfortable situations before they became confrontational / "icky”. Though not necessarily unscathed.
Case in point: I’ve worked in The Biz for nearly 20 years and have around 160 or so credits to my name. But you probably never heard about me until you read this Blog.
(to be continued...)
*I retain all rights to my story, likeness, biographical information, quotes, poetry, photography, photos, fashion designs, art work, and all of my own creation represented herewithin*
Comments
Post a Comment