Almost Lisa: Pt 19, “Almost Transcendent”
Almost Lisa: Pt 19, “Almost Transcendent”
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Spiritual
books, classes & seminars are great ways of "downloading
software".
To
truly Master yourself, you have to run the "Programs".
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In 2006 /2007, after my last ex cheated on me and stole thousands of dollars from me (yep, that happened), I was in a rough space. I'd dropped down to 105 pounds and for months all I could do was pace my apartment in a panic. I couldn't shut off this one channel in my brain which kept asking HOW did I let that happen? I'd never been so deeply energetically affected by someone before. He was hurting and suffered from his own demons, but – of course- I thought my strength and support would be enough for both of us. The more he showed his insecurities, the more acceptance I tried to give him. But the more comfortable he got with and relied on me, the more often his episodes of anger, paranoia, and psychosis. And man, if projecting were an Olympic sport... Since “imperfect” was the example of love I knew (yay), I wanted to heal him. Which left me completely depleted when he later took all the energy I had.
It's a weird phenomenon when the brain and body don't agree. As smart as I am, telling myself to get back up and brush things off simply wasn't happening. This was madness. I'd survived so much already to get back up on my feet and make a life for myself. But my body was suddenly "stuck". I was "stuck". So I tried to "override the program" and forced myself to breathe and go out into the world, and find healthy people (yes, in Los Angeles. I swear they are there).
Unsure where the idea came from (a dream, maybe) but I joined yoga classes down the street to learn how to quiet my mind and get back into my body. I remember the look on the instructors face when I first walked in the door. She read my energy, sensed I'd been though something disruptive, and welcomed me in without asking for explanation. Her one bit of advice was to "remain open to messages and information" as I healed (from the world, from strangers, random encounters...) It was nice. I started to breathe and notice my surroundings again. Sometimes I took walks through the Japanese Gardens at Woodley to be surrounded by Beauty, do a little Vinyasa, and sit in nature. On one such visit, a butterfly landed on my hand and stayed for a while. She was beautiful, and in no hurry to leave. It felt like a message: You're okay. Be here now.
Day by day, things started to flow. I decided to be Human again and socialize, let the newly ordained Good Energy grow. I grabbed lunch with a colleague of mine at a favorite spot in The Valley when her friend stopped by the table to say hello. He'd just returned from a trip to India where his family had stayed in an Ashram, in meditation. This peaked my interest. It was as if he was speaking directly to me/ my subconscious. I asked him about the experience. The young man turned his attention to me and described letting go of expectations, of “falling in love with garbage” (literally finding beauty in waste). He described it as Oneness. I thought wow, if this young person could abandon negativity and judgment and connect on that kind of level, there must be something to this meditation thing. I'd barely subconsciously decided to pursue it when he invited me to a group mediation. Of course, I said yes.
The gathering of locals gathered at a beautiful, older house in the Canyons with a great Vibe. I spent some time introducing/ socializing with the mixed group of attendees prior to taking a seat in the circle and settling in. The host welcomed everyone and we began the session with deep breathing exercises. I made the decision to just go with it, without expectations. We sat in a circle of various chairs and off to the side, a set of Tibetan singing bowls, and a gong which was struck as we entered "deeper" into meditation. I felt the energy immediately shift. There was something familiar and normal about it to me. The more comfortable I became, and the deeper my breathe, the more I relaxed into the experience. I stopped being "Lisa the body" and allowed myself to simply be Energy.
Eyes closed, I floated around the room and “saw” each of the attendees, eventually connecting with an older woman in her late 60's who I didn't recognize from earlier. She was beautiful, petite, with a strange grayish cloud around her. The closer I got to it, the more tired and unwell I felt. I got the sensation she was fighting something, an entity which did not belong to her. As I paid attention to the gray cloud, it seemed to loft about her entire body. Eyes closed, the woman “looked” at me and “smiled”. After a long while the gong struck, and- realizing my own real estate was missing- I decided to float back over into my body again.
Coming out of meditation, my breathing returned to normal and my eyes began to focus on the room. Sitting straight across from me was the woman! Had she been there the whole time? Our eyes briefly met and she smiled. Later, I made my way over to her to connect. She asked me how my first transcendental meditation experience was, and I mentioned what I saw and felt. The woman sighed heavily and took my hands in hers. She said “I thought that was you”. I learned that she had recently been diagnosed with lymphatic cancer. It came as no surprise that I was able to see and feel what someone else was going through (I've always been sensitive to energy). But this was a whole other lever of empathy and connectivity. The woman invited over a few of her friends, and introduced me as a “fellow Empath”. It's like they were plucking my soul strings. I'd found some people from my planet!
That one group meditation led me to my own practice. As I implemented mindfulness and healed myself, I became more in tune with Energy, how it moved and connected/ disconnected others, how my own thoughts effected the energy around me. Things got DEEP. Conversations became more meaningful. My life and challenges started to make sense. I started hiking regularly and was growing fit and healthy again. I began to meet and connect with others with like energy who offered spiritual books to read, mantras, even healthy cafes and places to see. I was "open" to the messages. Goodness was all around me.
Segue !!
I have a memory to share. Way back (in Rochester, NY), I'd had an Art Exhibit at a local gallery (you may remember those pics from an earlier blog). The owner introduced me to an attendee and her mother who wanted to meet the artist. We got to talking awhile about my work and career goals (Eastman and Broadway), and the mother took a particular interest in me. She'd explained that she was an Empath and read energy (that was the first time I'd heard of such a thing). While I couldn't explain it back then, the way I received her energy in that moment, I believed her. She took my hands in hers and told me I was going to be very successful in my pursuits, eventually. But it would take about a decade to get there. Not something I wanted to hear, lol, I've never been a patient woman! Then she reached up and removed her necklace (a large amethyst mounted on a had-made pendant, hanging from a long, delicate brassy chain) and put it around my neck. “I think you need to have this. It will protect you.” She also asked me to get it insured.
For fear of losing her gift, I stowed that amethyst away, safely. It came with me to NYC (I was wearing it on 9/11). Then it traveled again across country when I moved to Los Angeles. When I began to meditate (after great heartache and disappointment), I brought the necklace out of its hiding spot and wore it every day, charging it with Reiki energy and gratitude. One day, not long after, I found myself shooting a movie in the UK. My amazing costar was a gracious host and decided to travel with me to London, shop, see a show, and “shoot the shit”. It was so nice to feel connected again and have such great company to share the moment with. I was finally thriving, on the other side of a dark place I didn't know how to get out of. I did the work and came out Free.
We were sitting on a fountain, sharing stories, when I suddenly realised I didn't "need" the necklace anymore. It was time to pass the torch. Just as it was gifted to me, I removed the amethyst from my neck and explained to Linda (...*ahem...) that I think she was supposed to have it now. I never saw either of them again (not yet). But always wonder if she might have a story to share about the necklace. If it... helped somehow, the way it'd helped me?
(Back to my evolution...)
At some point, someone- in passing- offered that I try attending Agape (a non-denominational service of celebration in Los Angeles) led my Minister Michael Beckwith, Founder and CEO of the Agape International Spiritual Center (who's name may be familiar due to his involvement in 'The Secret", the book based on the Law of Attraction).
Without expectations, I woke up early one Sunday morning and dragged my butt down from the Valley to Culver City to see what the hype was all about. Now, I am not someone who attends church. The idea of going into a building to join a community- once a week- to read and pontificate together about morals and principals I live by on a daily basis, never appealed to me. Sharing a cup of coffee gave the same connection and validation to me ("wherever two or more are gathered...”). But finding a community of positive, inspirational people who are inclusive, supportive, and gather to dance, sing, share and celebrate life together, didn't suck. I wound up attending several Agape sessions, over time befriending Minister Beckwith who introduced me to his friend and colleague, Moses. In retrospect, I have no doubt that Minister Beckwith inherently sensed I needed to meet Moses, a soft spoken and kind Healer, deeply connected to Source energy (if you know, you know). And Moses immediately took an interest me. He saw my potential, and that I was carrying around some baggage which did not serve me. After several encounters and conversations, the two invited me to have a healing session with Moses. Which I accepted.
A healing session with Moses starts much like meditation: Lying down on a table, eyes shut, ambient music playing, quiet, still. He asks me to breath and release, slowly, hovering his hands over different shakras, looking for tension or blockages (which, of course, he finds). The energy is dark and chaotic at first as he inhales the darkness out in deep breaths, releasing it forcefully away into the sky. With each breath, I feel more and more calm. Eventually, my body sunk into the table and I heard Moses exit into and down the hallway, where he proceeded to cough and heave, violently. I remained still awhile, enjoying the pain leaving my body. Some time had passed and I felt a hand brush my leg. Thinking it was Moses letting me know he'd returned, I opened my eyes. No one was there. I closed them again. Eventually Moses did return to bring me back to the present and lift me out of my meditation. I left that day feeling connected to this beautiful soul of a man, with enough love in his heart to choose to help others.
A couple years passed after my session. I was doing "The Work", felt so much stronger and healthier, and had returned to working regularly again. I hadn't seen Minister Beckwith in a while, so I returned to Agape to say hello, send good vibes, and ask how Moses was. That's when Michael informed me Moses had passed away from cancer. My heart sunk. This beautiful soul with the kindest of eyes and most wonderful of intentions made it his life's work to heal and guide others, releasing them from dis-ease. I wondered if he may have subconsciously (or consciously) took it all upon himself. Ultimately sacrificing his own mortality to heal others. I'll never forget him.
In
these years following, I kept on with my practice. My
intuition grew stronger. There are now times I can feel exactly what
someone is going through or see things I can't quite explain which
helps me to be more compassionate and emphathic / sensitive. There is
no doubt that everything is connected. Because of my own life
experiences, I make it a point to only add to someones light. Never
to take away from it. If I can't help, I leave others alone. I know
what it's like to be overlooked, invisible, silenced, and taken
advantage of. It is my hope that those I encounter leave me feeling
better, more capable, and their dreams more possible. THAT is who I
am. It was always within me. I just never knew what it was. But today, it
all makes sense. I'm an Empath.
Given how natural my progression into holistic lifestyle and understanding about Energy and consciousness was, I started thinking back to other instances in my life where evidence showed itself. There were certainly inexplicable instances as a child. I've always been hyper-sensitive to Energy. I've always had the ability to sense things before they happen (even major world events). I've always seen certain entities which are evident only to me (like dark shadows on unscrupulous people, and the little energy blobs which often visit me- curiously- as I sleep). I know how powerful my own energy is (both positive and negative) and that I have the ability to shift the “charge” of a room when I'm in it. I've also learned that this kind of gift attracts as many dark forces as it does light. Moths love flame.
So imagine: a young, pretty girl with heightened awareness about life, but no one to communicate with, who thought she was “one of the guys”, navigating life but raising herself, not understanding why she kept attracting abusive guys who wanted to control and manipulate her (then attempted to harm her when she tried to set boundaries). Imagine how that young woman would never feel entirely safe. Imagine how independent she would need to become to take care of herself.
Now, imagine what it would be like for that woman to need help.
I respect my Gifts, and the Laws of Energy. I understand the responsibility of being this way (it does more good than hurts). I've had to go so much of my life alone, learning to never sit with my back to a room, window, or door. But at this time in my life, I really want, welcome, and need to find those kindred spirits who allow me to relinquish that control. I'm tired!
(To be continued...)
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*PS If you like what you're reading, I welcome contributions to these efforts via Venmo @CatarACT_Inc)
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