Almost Lisa: Pt 13, “Almost in One Piece”

 

Almost Lisa: Pt 13, “Almost in One Piece”

 .

Welcome back Earth (?) people! I’ve been having a hard time writing lately. I can't find positive or inspirational things to write about. But I realized today that if I'm going to be honest, I have to be honest about my feelings as well. It’s challenging to maintain a positive disposition in these uncertain/ disturbing times. Everything is not okay. I am not, in fact, okay. Anyone else out there overwhelmed in this eye-opening, mind-numbing, post-pandemic nightmare of a time in our history? We’ve lost sight of some things.

“Wokeness isn't how you dress, how you identify, or who you Love.

  Woke is Aware”

Sometimes I see videos like one from tik tok recently of an elderly man on his balcony. The building he’s in is clearly on fire all around him, and the look on his face says it all: There's nowhere for him to go. There's nothing he can do to help himself. He's too old to jump, can't hold his breath to run through the fire, can't see well. He takes a big breath then lets it out, crosses his arms, and leans on the banister, looking down. Waiting. Thinking.

I can't not watch these videos. Even though the end result was Good Samaritans coming to his rescue, my heart dropped witnessing the moment of helplessness and "coming-to-terms” this man dealt with, alone. I saw/ felt my own fragility in him. No one should feel alone.

More and more, I'm reminded that I'm very much on my own. There's no one in my life who knows my habits or schedule. No one knows where I might be at any given moment of the day. Where- exactly- I live. My favorite things. I am just on my own. All responsibilities are mine. Every decision. Every idea. Every move I make. I am my Checks & Balances. It’s exhausting and boring. And it’s been this way for nearly two decades. I have these lucid dreams where I'm stuck on a balcony in a building that's on fire. Or underground in a place no one can hear me call from. And I realize, quite distinctly, that no one's coming for me.

No one is coming.

Tomorrow is February 8th. My birth date. Per usual, the date crept up quickly and I made no plans to do anything or include anyone. My mind has been preoccupied with getting taxes straightened out, finding work, figuring out a plan for continued (endless) medical care. In a perfect world (one where I had a healthy group of friends and my body didn't hurt 24/7), there would be dancing and celebration. I’d probably buy a pretty frock, do up my hair and face, and hit the town with my people (I would definitely have quality People). There would be smiles, laughter, and I’d feel safe to let my hair down. Instead, I spend birthdays alone, on my laptop, in a busy cafe somewhere, listening to others. And there will likely be a sign on the back on my laptop which reads:

It’s my Birthday. Say Hello! Tell me a Story.

Things which are challenging when you live in Hollywood and work in the Entertainment industry:

    * Making appointments   * Real Friendships   * Dating    * Vacations          

            * Planning social stuff    * Classes   * Laundry   * Groceries

I haven't been in control of my schedule for more than 20 years. The BIZ has a way of holding you hostage, in anticipation of that next audition, that next gig, that potential opportunity just around the corner. And they are always coming! If you're not careful, you lose great gaps of your life “on hold” (not only to earn and further your career, but to keep those health benefits, after all). There is one surefire way to get a booking (entertainers, all in unison now...) BOOK A TRIP. It never fails! Just be unavailable and the Universe will provide. Like I keep saying, this business ain’t for everyone.

For so many reasons, it’s impossible to have a “normal life” as an Entertainment professional. I marvel at those who manage! Many who are determined to make it later wind up leaving the industry for a healthier Human experience. And because of this, those who remain often have transient relationships/ friendships. People come. People go. And global pandemics happen, scattering everyone all over the country and the globe. 

 

Caught a clear reflection of my face in the glass while pumping gas today. Almost didn't recognize myself. There's an absence in the eyes. The corners of my mouth turn down. I look heavy, tired. And I know it's been this way for quite some time.

I honestly can't remember the last time I felt safe. Truly happy. Filled with energy. I've been fighting this uphill battle with my health for over a decade, without progress. Spend so much of my time, energy and money doing so. Doesn't seem to be a solution for my situation (yet). It's definitely changed my physical appearance: my skin (never had acne, until recently), my hair (it’s whitening, fast), my energy (what energy?), my weight (I’m 11 pounds thicker than before). Lol, no one notices. Most of my community “knows” me from social media posts, throwback photos, and they communicate via texts or DMs. When you’ve traditionally been a physically beautiful woman, the world (in passing, and through it’s vantage point from The Cloud) refuses to accept you any other way. So I handle it all quietly, alone. Every challenge. Every loss. Every obstacle. Who better?

I miss spontaneity and going dancing all night, and meeting up with friends for dinner, and being in a relationship. I couldn't fathom being in a relationship with anyone in the condition I'm in. Simply going out to eat is just too much of a challenge alone, but to add someone else... And intimacy? Forget about it. With how often I don't feel well, and how often I have to change plans because I'm feeling bloated (not sexy), a relationship is doomed for arguments and disappointments.

I was a physically beautiful, healthy woman for a while. The outside matched the inside (the part I value). My diet was clean, I never drank, smoked or did drugs. I meditated often, exercised regularly, ate organic food and had energy for days! In fact, my energy was infectious. Simply by walking in the room, I could shift it. That's how powerful I was! And I knew it. But I haven't been Her (me) for a while. And I miss Her so much.

Here’s a secret: I don't like living in Georgia. Love the people, like the seasons. But the food hurts me, the weather makes me ache more, I don't meet people I really connect with or have conversations I'm interested in which help me to grow. Not working due to pandemic conditions has been painfully isolating and cost me entire years of income as my industry shut down and still struggles to regain it’s momentum. I’ve worked hard for my money. So I can travel. So I can fix my health. Two things which can't happen currently.

It seems the best years of my life are flying by with little substance or joy. That’s counter intuitive to who I am! But it’s what I see on my face. I want to go Home, wherever that is. I want to go back to California. But this was a one-way ticket. I can't afford to return as the rents have only increased and my income has not. Last year was one of the worst in 20 years for me, financially. Now, we are preparing for yet another Writers strike which will shut things down again. It’s scary. But hardly my first rodeo.

Who likes roller coasters?!!! Okay. Enough of all that.

       (To be continued...)

*I retain all rights to my story, likeness, biographical information, quotes, poetry, photography, photos, fashion designs, art work, and all of my own creation represented herewithin*

*PS If you like what you're reading, I welcome contributions to these efforts via Venmo @CatarACT_Inc)