Almost Lisa: Pt 9, “Almost Impossible”
Almost Lisa: Pt 9, “Almost Impossible”
.
Roam.
If you want to.
One thing California offers in abundance is sunshine and countless hiking trails. In the Hills, at Oceanside, up north in the canyons...everywhere. I indulged often, on foot and on hoof. Whenever and however the opportunity arose. Particularly in April when the gorgeous wildflowers bloom. The views are spectacular. And I was always aware of other creatures living in these areas (it’s their homes after all), but seldom saw more than a group of hares, some lizards, or an occasional rattler. But there was one resident who was rather famous in the area. Though seldom seen, he was loved and concerned for by many.
I woke this week to the devastating news that P-22 (Hollywood’s beloved bachelor Mountain Lion) had to be euthanized after being hit by an automobile. His injuries were substantial. P-22 taught the word so much about biodiversity and the importance of conservation. He lived his years a victim of human innovation, trapped between highways, alone. I think of him, traversing the Hollywood hills, day after day, searching for companionship in another of his kind. But finding none. It’s painful. And sad.
And I relate. Deeply.
If I'm honest, I've never had a HOME. A place I felt safe, where I breathed a sigh of relief upon walking through the door. Certainly not the home I grew up in. That deep desire to feel safe has caused so much inner conflict for me. Anything is possible when you feel safe. I’ve developed some laughable “bad habits” because of the insecurity in homestead over the course of my life. For instance, I am indecisive about certain things. NOT because I cant decide but because I can see infinite possibilities in most decisions. Where it comes to my home and design, I’ve been known to spend hours at a Home Goods, carefully laying out a design idea or artwork, staring at it for an hour (visualizing it in my space), then deciding not to purchase anything. Why? Because in the end, I still don't have a HOME. And- ultimately- I know I am designing for a place I don't love, which I’ll eventually be moving from. I broke my golden rule for ownership when I purchased my first home at the end of 2021: “Never own more than you can personally move yourself”. URGH.
I’ve moved over two dozen times since leaving Cleveland at the age of 17. The Artists life is that of a gypsy: constantly reinventing, replanting, rediscovering. But that’s not quite the reason for the constant uprooting. Several moves in NY were due to survival (escaping my abusive boss) and events beyond my control (9/11). In California, I hopped from apartment to apartment as my income increased, neighbors or landlords became intolerable, or rent became unreasonable. I’d found a terrific situation with a terrific landlord, just before relocating to GA in 2020. Spent a lot of time and energy decorating it, making it a “real home”, investing in it. Part of what forced my decision during pandemic to depart were my next door neighbor who suffered with dementia and screamed all day, and the new neighbors downstairs who smoked unfiltered cigarettes together on their terrace, making it impossible for me to get any fresh air inside my own unit. $1700/ month and I was never comfortable. More than 20 years of renting and I suddenly realized that no one ever taught me about finances or investing for the future. Thankfully I made my own decision to save everything I earned (in case sh*t). It’s helped the past couple of years, though not sure how much longer. I'd really hoped I'd be be traveling over the holidays this year. Seeing the world!
If you never had
love, support or security as a child, there is only one person in the
entire world who can give those things to you as an
adult. YOU.
Holidays mean very little to me anymore since my grandparents passed. They were truly the glue which brought our family together. They were Love. Obligatory visitation and gifting with my immediate family makes me want to punch sea otters (and I love sea otters!). Rather then co-dependently suffering together, I much prefer to be traveling: Buying a stranger a coffee and chatting about their life in Eastern Europe, watching a Flamenco performance in an authentic Tablau, standing over the Mediterranean on a crystal clear day in Capri, enjoying my first Kao Soi in Cambodia with some strangers from across the globe, seeing another Wonder of the World, and photographing every moment of it ... this is what brings me Joy. I want to see, taste, hear, touch, experience everything, first-hand. My bucketlist is epic! Sadly this year, traveling wont be possible. I simply should not afford it as work remains uncertain and my health continues to suffer.
Flashback- The year was 2001, December, three days after Christmas. I was invited by the Lerner family to sing the National Anthem at Browns Stadium. Shortly after Al Lerner (team owner) had passed. It was below freezing, and I was wearing a bright turquoise overcoat and gloves. As I walked out of the tunnel- blinded by snow- onto the field, a hand emerged from the white dust, reaching for mine. It was Bernie Kosar, offering good vibes and gratitude for being there. I was touched. More so as I stood alone on the field as the Color Guard fell into formation behind me. I remember nothing else. Except that Cleveland WON that day. Cheers Al!
(to be continued...)
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